


lying's better than silence

by parktaejoon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cigarettes, Dialogue Heavy, Drinking, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Getting Back Together, House Party, Implied Sexual Content, Internal Monologue, M/M, Minor Eridan Ampora/Karkat Vantas, Minor Terezi Pyrope/Dave Strider, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, POV Dirk Strider, POV Roxy Lalonde, POV Second Person, Smoking, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24333496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parktaejoon/pseuds/parktaejoon
Summary: Your name is Dirk Strider, and this party blows. But maybe something can make it better.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Kudos: 17





	lying's better than silence

**Author's Note:**

> well. look who's back. it's dirk. i'm back.
> 
> as always, read the tags for a trigger warning and enjoy.
> 
> title from you were good to me by jeremy zucker
> 
> my instagram is @nyhilo

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you don’t know why you’re here. ‘Here’ being John Egbert's house, because suddenly you’re adults and have your own houses. It still blows your mind. It’s been a year since you beat the game, and it still blows your mind. Speaking of things that blow, this party definitely does. 

Lord knows why he’s even throwing a party. Something about birthdays. Wriggling parties. Whatever. You didn’t pay attention to whatever Roxy was saying as she brought you to John’s. You’re at the side of the room anyways, watching everyone mingle but nobody mingle with you. Roxy had dragged you over, something about ‘being friends with her boyfriend’. You forgot Roxy and John were even dating. There's a cup of something-or-other in your hand, and you’ve had three sips of it before deeming it to be something stronger than you know you can handle. You may be an absolutely sicknasty rad dude, but you can’t handle your alcohol well. Doesn’t make you any less sicknasty. 

You lied a little. People were mingling with you, Roxy and Jade to be exact, but they had moved slightly to the side of you to have their own conversation. You feel like you're suffocating. Everyone has someone to talk to, and you’re standing there looking like a lost puppy. Damnit, Dirk, don’t make the monologues seem cute. Make them sad. You are sad, because this makes you look incredibly uncool. Even your damn brother has a girlfriend. That shouty troll has a.. boyfriend. Matesprit. Whatever. Your shades hide your gaze, as you secure the perimeter. Dave’s sitting and talking to John, Karkat is beside Terezi with his hand on Eridan’s shoulder. Other trolls are talking amongst themselves, but your eyes land on a pair, sitting against the wall snug beside eachother engaged in a lively conversation. 

Your former beau, and your ‘friend’ who has an extremely humongous crush on him. Your hand clenches on the cup of liquor. Of course you still had feelings for him. Being alone your entire life and having someone love you back for the first time has warped your perception of relationships, and now you feel like he’s the only one for you. Maybe that’s true, but you can’t help but scowl as you run your free hand through your hair. Less product. He always told you it was too fake. He liked how soft your hair was when it wasn’t styled, how it fell just past your jaw. You watch him across the room as he laughs at something Jane says, and you hear his laugh from this distance. He’s so radiant that it travels. You lick your lips and keep staring at them. 

You know it’s creepy. You know you’re weird for this, and longing, but you damn miss your ex. You never stopped missing him. You broke up with him because he was being a dick, but that doesn’t mean the sight of his skin doesn’t make you cry. Tan and honey brown, and how he’d tried to shave his legs once and it just grew back in the span of three days. That makes you look closer. He’s wearing cargo pants and combat boots like usual, but the top half of him is different. Black deep v-neck tee, with a red flannel over it. And he pulls it off perfectly. You chug the rest of your drink to hide the warm, rising hue on your stark, pale skin. 

As soon as your cup detaches from your face you see Jake put his arm around Jane, and your heart hurts. You slam your cup down onto the kitchen counter and fill it with the nearest beer you can find. You need to get drunk enough to forget that you miss Jake.

ROXY: woah there di stri, wanna slow down? what's got you wanting to get drunk?

DIRK: Nothing. Where’s the washroom?

She points down the hall.

ROXY: first one on the right..? 

You mutter out a stuttered thanks before grabbing your cup and sparing yourself one last glance at the seemingly very happy pair. But you do hear a ‘Jake, what? What’s wrong?’ from dear Jane as you enter the bathroom and leave the light off. You need to smoke, or something. It’s a stupid habit you picked up. It helps your nerves, or whatever, but it’s just as bad as Roxy’s alcoholism. She beat hers, why can’t you get addicted and quit it too?

You didn’t even think to lock the door, finding a box and a lighter in the pocket of your jacket. You hold the cigarette between your lips, flicking the lighter and letting the tip ignite. You puff smoke out of the left side of your mouth, sliding the lighter back into your pocket and taking a gulp of your liquid courage. You brace yourself against the counter, and take off your shades. You put them on the counter beside your cup. You blink as you try to acclimatize to the darkness, but you’d rather be in the dark than have light beaming in your eyes and making you feel guilty for smoking in the bathroom of your best friend’s boyfriend. You run your cigarette-less hand over your face and sigh, almost jumping at the sound of the bathroom door’s latch turning. You’re about to call out an ‘occupied’ before you see that it’s Jake.

JAKE: Now just what do you think you’re doing in here mister!

He closes the door behind him and waves a hand infront of his face, coughing and waving smoke away from himself.

JAKE: Blimey. That’s quite disgusting don’t you know dirk?

You chuckle a little. moving over and making room for him.

DIRK: Yeah. I know. That’s kind of the point. I’m doing something disgusting because I want to feel disgusting. You know, self deprecation, English? 

JAKE: Strider.

DIRK: What? 

JAKE: Nothing nevermind. 

You hear him sigh, and you take a long drag.

DIRK: Why’d you come in here if you have no business being my friend in private? You only seem to notice me when other people are around. 

JAKE: Thats bollocks and you know it. 

You huff and sit down onto the closed toilet. Jake is quiet, but you can see him cross his arms in the darkness.

JAKE: May we please stop acting as if we’re children again dirk! I do believe we have already talked about everything between us but if you have any pent up tension in that complicated head of yours id very well like to hear it.

DIRK: You were the one who wouldn’t talk to me. We just said we were good after you ignored me for who-the-fuck knows how long. If anyone was acting like a child it was you.

JAKE: That was quite childish if i do say so myself.

DIRK: ...

DIRK: ..You’re right. Sorry. 

DIRK: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

JAKE: Theres squat wrong with you. You may not have people skills but theres nothing wrong with any miniscule piece of you.

DIRK: That’s funny. You ignored me because I couldn’t give you space. We couldn’t communicate. We were young, and stupid, and you were the only option, in my head. I never meant to get that attached. 

Jake hesitates for a second, and you notice he’s looking right at you. Jake looks down at your shades on the counter, then up at his own reflection in the mirror.

JAKE: Youre right as well. I was being a fool. I admit i was quite shaken thinking of even prompting you with how i felt about our relationship. 

JAKE: I believe i was just afraid of how youd react and if youd not want to be with me any longer.

You take an extra long drag of your cigarette, and let the smoke pour out of your mouth in billows. It’s turning to ash now, so you snub it out on the cigarette box. Jake makes a ‘tsk’ noise at you.

DIRK: You knew I was head over heels for you, right? 

JAKE: I dont believe it ever occured to me how you felt in regards to me. I always went between two options for my future..

JAKE: ..And both of them never even brought to light the fact i couldve had a companion..

JAKE: ..Then you came along and changed my whole doggonit perspective. Drat i never wanted it to end and i was being quite the cro magnon if you get what im saying.

For the first time, you look up at him. The look on his face is barely readable. He’s remorse, full lips drawn tight to a thin line as he purses them in thought.

DIRK: I get it, you were an idiot. But I was an idiot too. What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry for suffocating you. I should’ve taken your feelings into account more. I guess I started liking you, and when we broke up I thought it’d go away, but my feelings never left and I can’t do anything about it. 

Fuck, why’d you say that? Now he knows. Bumbling idiot. But Jake continues the conversation without a beat.

JAKE: Im sorry too. Can we just.. both agree we werent ready and very much immature and the game wasnt the best place to begin an intimate love story. 

His choice of words always makes you smirk. But you catch something in what he said that could possibly lead this in the way you want.

DIRK: This may just be the alcohol talking, but you said we ‘weren’t ready’. Is that implying that one day we will be ready? 

Okay, big shot. Now you’re reaching.

But then, he flirts right back, and your heartbeat is picking up speed.

JAKE: You said your feelings never left and i said my feelings never left either. Who said we ever really even broke up anyways? I was in trickster mode and nothing made sense to me.

JAKE: Now we are adults and should very well be capable of some gosh dang communication. 

DIRK: Are you saying what I think you’re saying? 

JAKE: What do you think im saying? 

Sly bastard. You love him.

DIRK: I think that you wanna try again. We can be friends with benefits. We can date again, and be good about it this time. 

JAKE: And *i think* that we both prefer the latter. 

You stand, taking the last gulp of your drink before leaning on the counter beside him. He nudges you with his shoulder, an expectant and hopeful look on his face. You’re hesitant to answer, but you have one thing on your mind that you want to know.

DIRK: ..Can you promise me, first, that you’ll still want me in the morning, and that you don’t just want this ‘cause you’re drunk? 

JAKE: I have not had a single lick of liquor tonight. I can just hope that you dont just want this because youre drunk. But i promise. 

DIRK: I’ve wanted this for as long as I’ve known you. Drunk or not. 

Jake turns his head to look at you fully.

JAKE: Then i assume you wont mind if i do this? 

You’re about to ask what he means, but then he puts a finger to your chin and makes you turn your head to face him. And then, everything around you stills. The booming music from outside is buzzing in your ears, You feel his breath against your skin, just before your lips connect and he kisses you chastely. It’s a start, that’s for sure, but then it feels like he’s reading your mind, because he puts both his arms around you, on either side of the counter, trapping you in with him. And of course, you have no objections.

You lean in this time, arms coming up to wrap around his neck as you kiss him. It’s exactly like you remember, but so much better. You’re both older, he’s more rugged, and you just have more experience. His glasses dig into your skin as your noses bump together. He tilts his head to the right, and so do you, sighing and giving into the open-mouthed invitation. You silently thank yourself that you took your shades off, or otherwise, this would’ve been way more uncomfortable. You’re making out now, and it feels nothing but natural. Completely right in the sense that this was what was missing in your life. His hands hold onto your waist, under your jacket but above your tank top. You delve your hand into the scruff of his slightly curly, dark brown hair, just at the nape of his neck. 

A lot of people think about random things when they’re kissing someone, like Roxy probably thinks about her cat, or wizards, but all you can focus on is what’s going on. This feels like a scene out of some coming of age blockbuster movie, because you and Jake and panting over eachother between smacks of lips, and you’re flush up against one another, going at eachother like fucking animals. It’s crazy. You understand why you’re this needy, though, because it’s been so long. And there’s music playing in the background, some stupid indie playlist your brother put together. Something something 1975. You don’t pay attention to his music taste anymore because all you listen to is old school rap and japanese bubblegum pop. 

There’s a tinge of regret in your heart. Because Jane’s one of your best friends. And now, this would be the second time where Jane thinks she has a chance at being with Jake, but then you swoop in and steal him right from her arms. She probably had a little bit of hope tonight. Scratch that, a lot, because he put his arm around her and you saw the look of glee on her face. But when you both walk out of the bathroom, you expect and brace yourself for the change in atmosphere that’s bound to happen. A couple of people at the most would’ve noticed you’re in here together. You’re just surprised that nobodies tried to use the washroom. Either that, or they’re pissing outside on John’s lawn. 

Your head hurts, and you know you’re sweating an awfully abnormal amount, but Jake doesn’t seem to mind as he peppers your lips with short-lived pecks, kissing down your face and jaw until he nudges you with his nose and you know what he means. You tilt your head to the side and he takes the chance in strides, leaving dotty, bruising marks you know will make people raise their eyebrows at you. Especially Jane. Fuck. You feel terrible, but you’ve got the guy of your dreams. What are you supposed to do, give him up just so you can be miserable and she can be happy? You care for yourself, first. After years of sacrificing yourself for everyone else’s benefit, you deserve to be happy. You’re sure you’ll be fine as long as you don’t talk to Jane for that long. Jake bites down on you particularly hard and you snap back to reality from your thoughts, a slight wince escaping your lips. 

One of his hands trails down from your waist to your crotch, and your breath hitches. You raise an eyebrow and let one of your hands roam down to his ass, grabbing.

DIRK: You wanna play that game, English?

JAKE: Im sure us getting back into a relationship is a call for celebration? 

He detaches from your skin and looks at you face to face, waggling his eyebrows and grinning.

DIRK: Fuckin’ dork. 

JAKE: Do you not want to?

You roll your eyes.

DIRK: Why else would my hand be on your ass? Shut up, and let me do this. 

He visibly swallows, stepping back slightly.

JAKE: ..Righto. 

You shift down onto your knees, and lock the door in the same motion. His hand loses itself in your hair, and thank god you decided to minimally style it. You fiddle with Jake’s belt and undo it before mouthing over his underwear.

Even now, you don’t want to narrate this in your head, so you won't.

==> DIRK, be your best GAL FRIEND. 

You are now Roxy Lalonde, as mentioned previously. You’re in the kitchen at your boyfriend’s house, in a deep conversation about friendships during the game with your friend Jade. You dragged your best bro, Dirk Strider, to the party, but he went to the washroom a little while ago. Something about drinking, and he looked stressed. Whatever. You look towards the crowd in the living room and see Jane make a beeline towards you.

JANE: Hey there, Roxy! Great party. Did you happen to see Jake anywhere? He and I were with eachother just a brief moment ago but he seems to have run off. 

ROXY: hey girl! 

ROXY: ummm well you see ive been talkin to this here jade, and, like, havent been payin attention to the crowds at all 

ROXY: i think he went down the hall? where the washroom isssss.. oh my god. 

JANE: Is something the matter?! What’s wrong with Jake? 

You realize what’s going on. Exactly what’s happening here. Those sly, little gay bastards. You can’t believe that Dirk and Jake snuck off to the bathroom to do a little smoochin’ and a little rubbin’. Damn. You wanna tell John, your absolutely wonderful and incredibly handsome boyfriend, that two of his friends are about to have hot, steamy buttsex in his pristine bathroom, but you wouldn’t dare let the rumour spread and ruin your guy-friends’ lives and reputations. You’re panicking, allright, because you know for a fact that Jane still has very large and intense feelings for little old Jakey English. 

Even if Dirk and Jake broke up once, you always saw there was more between them. And you don’t want to break Jane’s heart. 

You have to think of something quick.

ROXY: ummm uh- oh! you’ve met jade, right? 

You gesture to the dog-eared girl beside you. Jane looks confused. Jade looks equally as confused.

ROXY: you get acquantin!! im gonna go search for our little genderbent lara croft!

Jane starts to say something before you try and walk away as fast as you can in heels. You find the bathroom, but as you try and open the door, you find it to be miraculously open. And, to your surprise, there’s no one inside. It smells like smoke in here. Wait, what? Whatever. You go back to Jane and tell her you couldn't find him.

==> DIRK, stop being ROXY.

You are now Dirk again. It seems as if you forgot to narrate after the confidential moment passed. 

You stand with vigor in your veins now, watching Jake’s blissed out face morph into a breathless smile. It’s crazy how proud you get just pleasuring him. Or maybe it’s all the praise. You’re unsure. You watch him as he latches his belt again, and takes his flannel off. He ties it around his waist, and you salivate when his biceps flex. You feel like a twig next to him. You take your shades off the counter and put them back on.

JAKE: Id like to get a tad bit more serious regarding conversation if thats alright with you. 

DIRK: Yeah. Of course. We should probably leave here, first. Although, where do we go?

JAKE: Ive stayed the night here before surprisingly. Theres a guest room on the second floor if thats okay? We just have to hope that no other budding couples have decided to pursue shenanigans in their amigos house. 

You roll your eyes as he unlocks the door. Both of you walk out like it’s not an unfamiliar sight, and no one even bats an eye. Jake grabs your hand and weaves you through the crowds, leading you up the stairs and down the hall to the room at the end. You see Jake hesitate, and you know he’s thinking about knocking first. He doesn’t and pushes the door open to soon be relieved that it’s entirely empty.

JAKE: ..Cmon. 

You close the door. He sits on the side of the bed, runs a hand through his hair and looks like he’s mumbling to himself. You don’t sit beside him just yet, standing at the end of the bed to the side.

DIRK: Whatever it is, don’t beat yourself up about it. I know you, Jake. 

DIRK: Take your time.

JAKE: I dont know if its the best time to have this conversation since youre getting sloshed. I think i just have a lot of thought swarming around in my head that id rather keep to myself.

JAKE: But.

JAKE: We both want our communication to not be rubbish. 

JAKE: So i want to try and be more open with you. I want you to be able to help me with my problems just as i help you with yours.

You know Jake. You know him very well, infact. After knowing him for eight years, you think you should know everything going on in his head. He’s afraid of confrontation. He’s afraid of how you’ll react and is seemingly unable to predict anything. You want to comfort him, but now is not the right time, so you’re going to do what you do best and listen to everything he has to say.

DIRK: I’m not that drunk.

DIRK: I don’t even know what I drank. But at least I’m sober enough to listen to you and communicate our problems.

DIRK: I trust you with everything. I want you to be able to trust me too. So you can tell me everything that’s bothering you.

You see him relax, and he turns his head up to your with a tearful smile. His eyebrows furrow,  
and you reach over and rub your thumb between them.

JAKE: You know me. Naïve and afraid of everything.

JAKE: But i know you love me anyway.

DIRK: I do. You can trust me. With whatever’s on your mind, whenever. 

You move to sit down beside him. He fully sits on the bed and crosses his legs, and he takes your hands in his. You immediately feel better. You reach up to take your shades off, hand immediately going back to his. You like letting him see your eyes, despite hating them. For you, it’s intimate. Only a handful of people have seen you without your shades off, and Jake saw it the most.

JAKE: I feel so incredibly gutted about this. Im assuming you know how our dear janey feels about me.

Oh, he’s really bringing that up now?

DIRK: ..Yeah. She told me constantly when we started the game. I felt so bad when she found out we were dating the first time. 

DIRK: God knows how she’ll react this time. 

JAKE: Drat i hadn’t even thought of that. You know i hate keeping relationships secretive. I dont want this to be secret just because of jane.

DIRK: We don’t have to. When she finds out, she finds out. But that’ll probably be very soon, because: A, we were gone for a while at the same time, and B, there are probably fourteen hickies on my neck. 

JAKE: Oh put a sock in it you prat. 

He’s grinning now, ducking his head away from you to hide his laughter. He’s perfect. There’s a beat of silence before you decide to bring up the thing that was plaguing you earlier.

DIRK: Can I be honest now? 

JAKE: Of course. 

DIRK: I haven’t stopped liking you since we broke up. I broke up with you because I knew you were hurting and I knew you’d be happier without me. But when I see you with Jane.. I don’t feel like myself. It’s like an out-of-body experience. 

DIRK: And I know that we’re back together and all- but she just always feels like a threat. 

DIRK: Stop me if I’m sounding too possessive. 

DIRK: I don’t want anyone else to have you.

JAKE: Well. By golly that just makes me feel special if anything. 

You let yourself smile a little. He continues. He’s stroking your hand with his thumb.

JAKE: You have me for as long as you want me. I dont plan on breaking up with you. I know youre flawed and the fact that im dating you just means that if im in it for the long haul. 

DIRK: That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you. 

You lean in to kiss him, hand on his cheek just as the door clicks open, and you quickly reach for your shades to put them on. Stupid, stupid coping mechanism. Jake falls back onto his hands as you look back to whoever opened the door. It’s your brother and his girlfriend, and Dave’s eyebrow is raised through the roof.

TEREZI: 1 SM3LL OR4NG3. 1S TH4T D1RK? >:? 

DAVE: dude i thought you and jake broke up 

DAVE: are those hickies

God fucking damnit.

DIRK: And I thought you knew how to mind your own business. Have fun getting pegged. 

You take Jake’s hand and lead him out of the room, letting Terezi and Dave take it for their own sexcapades. You end up sitting down on one of the stairs, and Jake sits down on the step behind you. You can see the whole crowd on the first floor from here. Your eyes latch onto Jane as she spots you. Jake wraps his arms around your neck from behind, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to your temple.

JAKE: Feeling alright love? 

Jane looks like she’s about to cry. She walks over to the kitchen and finds Roxy. Roxy looks up, sees the two of you and holds Jane to her chest as her shoulders shake with sobs.

DIRK: Just peachy. 

You look back and kiss him properly, grinning into his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> sry for the jane pain but after upd8 she deserves it


End file.
